Nothing To Lose.

Despite not really wanting to talk about pro cycling - mostly out of fear of revealing our ignorance - both FJ and I are pretty psyched about the coming road season. The spring classics get both of us moving, we both stay up and watch the Tour, and we both have our own respective cracks at the Northern Combine road calendar (not to mention Footscray, when our club allows it). So here I thought we'd have a conversation about pro cycling, and I'd write it down for your reading pleasure. Some of the jokes will be inserted after the fact, because we are not that funny in real life.

FJ: Yo!
B: Yo, how's it going?
FJ: Gis a sec, I just gotta put on some pants.
B: Yeah, you should do that.

*****

B: I can't hear you!
FJ: What?
B: What did you say?

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The conversation switches to email. Any formatting irregularities are due to me still using a hotmail account from 1997.

*****
B: Ok, so what I thought we'd do is offer the perspective of two blokes who aren't really fans of pro cycling - but are nonetheless excited about pro cycling - on pro cycling.

FJ: I like this idea. How would the format work?

B: Just like this. So, James, even though you and I have doubted the likelihood of GreenEDGE winning anything this season, they just busted out a hell of a TTT at Tirreno-Adriatico. Do we look like idiots now? And if so, how can we revise history so we don't?

FJ: Fuckin, I haven't even heard of the race they won. Not only that, but old mate who got fifth's (shit) Di2 battery ran out, so he was spinning like a fuckwit in 39/11 gearing. That pretty much brought shame to the entire country in the form of 150 rpm cadence.

As for making sure we look good in regards to our scepticism about their ability to win stuff, just wait until the Foils they're riding hit the cobbles.

B:It's the race Cadel won last year on his way to winning the Tour. You know those sweet pictures of him pretending to stab the associated media with a giant trident? Yeah, that trident is what you get for winning Tirreno-Adriatico. Which you will be happy to hear I can now spell without looking up Cycling News.

Tirreno, though, is often used as a warm-up for Milan - San Remo. Have you heard of that one?

FJ: Yeh I've heard of that one. Milan is a dump, and San Remo is also pretty shit. Why you would race from one shithole to another is beyond me.

Anyway, as far as them winning the race that Cadel won before he won the tour, that's pretty sweet. I imagine, given this one year of precedence, I should come to the conclusion that Green Edge is now going to dominate the Tour, win all 6 jerseys, and probably hook up with all the podium girls.

I mean, that is assuming that one, their Foils don't crack (again) and two, that their gear batteries don't run out.

Who do you think will win Milan San Remo? Do you reckon it will be worth staying up and watching it so that when a rider inevitably wins, we can say that their pre-season form was telling?

B: Well, there goes our Italian readership. I reckon it will totally make us look good if we roll up at St Kilda crits on the Sunday after Milan-San Remo and tell everyone we're real tired from staying up late to watch Milan-San Remo. Then everyone will think that our tiredness is the real reason Will Walker beat us.

I think Fabian will win, though, even if he does have a hairdresser's name. People are all like, blah blah this sprinter, blah blah that sprinter, blah blah Cav vs Goss. But Fabian has won it before, and seems to be in pretty damn good form.

What's all this Cav vs Goss bollocks anyway? If I were Cav, I'd be less concerned about Goss and more concerned about Greipel. That boy has been climbing like a 50kg Euskatel rider lately.

FJ: Man, if i knew anything about Greipel, I'm sure I would agree. Given I wouldn't know him from a Will Walker, I'll have to hold back on my opinion.

I reckon Fabian is a good chance, and I base this on no reasoning other than he is a name I recognise, and I saw a photo of him the other day in the aero tuck position, and he totally had a pot belly. As Steve Duggan says: saturated fat, for saturated power. Which is why those anorexic Spanish Euskatel riders never win anything. I mean, if they did win something, I wouldn't know anyway. But everyone knows that successful cycling teams fold within a maximum of three seasons, and old mates in orange have been going strong since roughly 1934. And by going strong I mean winning nothing, but being the catalyst for a near Basque seperatist revolution every July.

Fabian on the other hand, who weighs around 180 kilos, will probably just think about how fucking hungry he is, probably around 30km from the end, then just tear ass to the finish line and eat some steak or something. Which is fucking rank. But then, yeh, all the rest of the peloton will bluster and blubber about integrated batteries and "what the hell Cavendish, where did your second brain cell go when you drove half the peleton into the gutter when you took a piss?"

My pick though is that Eritrean Green Edge rider to take the win. I don't think he's actually racing but, in my mind, that's the perfect way to trick your opponents.

B: You mean Daniel Teklehaimanot? I'm pretty sure he's not riding, FJ.

FJ: That guy! I wish he was though, he seems like a really cool guy. Did you read that interview on Cycling Tips?

B: Yeah, I did. Man, that website is way better than this one.

What do you make of BMC this year, FJ? Hushovd, Gilbert, Ballan... none of them are looking too great at the moment.

FJ: BMC? Geeze, i didn't even know Hushovd and Gilbert were in that team! And I'm not sure who Ballan is! Which I realise isn't exactly unusual for me. But, yeh, it doesn't look as hot as last year hey?

I hope they can help Cadel out though. He strikes me as a man who probably deserves a second win before he hangs up his disgusting black and fluro shoes.

Who's that young Australian bloke riding for them now? Chicken legs but good climber? I dunno if he'll get a tour run yet, but he could probably help Cadel out in the mountains when he inevitably breaks a chain or something goes horrendously wrong, forcing him to chase the Schlecks up like 78 mountain passes with a time deficit. Yeh, that young guy could be good for that.

B: This time I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about. Tim Roe, perhaps?

That little bit of research I just did reminded me that BMC also have Taylor Phinney riding for them. That's rad. I like him a lot, but I often get him confused with the swimmer / stoner Michael Phelps. Do you reckon that BMC sometimes also get on the cones occasionally? That would explain Gilbert's hairstyle, or, you know... Actually, I can't think of any more bizarre decision than Gilbert's hair. Dude looks like a fucking Pokemon.

FJ: Gilbert is the kind of guy who would get ripped and then win a race in a break away. Kinda like Sean the Man only, you know, a bit better.

I dunno if BMC is really a cone kinda team. I don't think it would suit them. I feel as if Green Edge would probably love the cones. BMC seems more like a psychedelic trip kinda team to, you know, rub out the bad stuff.

In regards to hair styles, I've never really understood it. Especially that euro gel style. I mean, they wear a helmet like, 28 hours a day? Wouldn't it just get mussed up straight away? Pretty odd in my opinion.

B: Agreed. I wonder if his helmet sits unnaturally high due to his fucking Pikachu obsession.

Hey, last question, because dinner is ready: Are you going to come watch the Austral next Saturday night?

FJ: Well, i'm pretty sure, but I have my graduation ceremony. But that's in the arvo, so I see no reason not to. But man, you're gonna have to explain what's going on because track racing for me is a lot like Neighbours: if you miss like one episode (or in this case lap) you have no fucking clue what's going on, and there's always some real boring controversy going on. But yeah, I'll come.

Hey thanks for the conversation, I learnt a lot!

Ps. didn't actually learn shit, except that Green Edge probably rip cones.

B: Ok, see ya!